He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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