I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Im part way to drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
