I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
