I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
