I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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