at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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