I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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