The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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