Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
