I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
