jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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