My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
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Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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