i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
