Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
