was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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