i just snorted my name. best moment ever
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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