we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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