my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I love having hate sex.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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