The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
