I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
