I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
