Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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