i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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