i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
