My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
