Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
