based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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