Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
