i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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