so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
