Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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