dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
