I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
