I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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