I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
