those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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