We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
