Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
