We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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