after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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