I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
