But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
