This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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