just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
