remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
