...so i touched it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
