peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Holy shit dude........stairs
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
