We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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