So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
