the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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