Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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