I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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