im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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