Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
