Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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