You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
