I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
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If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
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I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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