Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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