First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
