you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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