i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
