Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
